Bunker? I hardly know ‘er!

Episode 5 - May 6, 2024

Donna Edwards - the best wife, the best mother - Stephanie Wolfe
Lindsay Edwards - her executive husband - Peter Brown
Debbie Edwards - their misunderstood daughter - Ellie Heath
Peter Edwards - Bowling alley owner - Tom Edwards
Thomas Edwards - ice cream shop owner - Lindsey Walker
Perry Scissorins III - neighbourhood pharmacist -Randy Brososky
Edwarda Scissorins - his wife, local hairdresser - Caley Suliak
Rusty Scissorins - Perry’s evil twin brother - Randy Brososky
Fritz Überalles - German immigrant - Cody Porter
Hildegard Überalles - his wife-  Jason Hardwick
Mark Carleton - Donna’s brother, the milkman - Joel Taras
Chet Whetpous - the pool boy - Breck Wiltshire
Lucile Slips - Neighbourhood Gossip and Mary Kay lady - Kelly Turner
Sarah Rose - Donna’s Sister from Europe - Alexandra Lainfiesta

Director: Jake Tkaczyk
Music: Graeme Pate
Technical Magic: Olivia Bogaard
Synopsis: Kirsten Throndson
Producer: Nicole Thibault

Act I

We open with Thomas Edwards apologizing for killing his son, Chet Whetpous. He swears that no one will find out, except for the fact that Reverend Grace is standing right behind him!!

Donna and Lindsey Edwards are in the bunker, discussing the various delicious meals they’ve enjoyed during their stay. All of a sudden, the door opens! Who is it? Sarah Rose, Donna’s sister! Lindsey Edwards ascertains that he *never* thought about what might have been between him and Sarah when they were younger. Sarah brags about her amazing life as the older sister living in Cuba as an opera singer. A song erupts- “No Number 1s and No Number 2s”- about the lack of bathroom activity in the bunker. So, why is Sarah visiting? Turns out, Sarah needs money.

Fritz and Peter are hanging out at the bowling alley. Fritz is feeling disconnected from his social studies students. Fritz expresses that he feels a barrier between himself and Peter. He wants Peter to come to his parties to “find the thing that makes his heart soar”. Peter agrees to come to a party.

Rusty meets Reverend Grace in order to reintegrate into the community. The Reverend is making scrambled eggs. They speak about Rusty’s life in a series of egg euphemisms. Rusty confesses to having lived in Detroit! He was a greaser, to the Reverend’s horror. The Reverend says that Rusty can “find a new life at Magnolia Crescent”.

Thomas Edwards is relaxing in his garden, when he is surprised by Mark Carlton, who has a gun! He wants to talk about the church fight. Mark has a reputation to uphold, but now he’s known around town as “the milkman who got his ass kicked” because of Thomas. Thomas confides that he went “blank with rage, but it felt really good”. Thomas proposes a deal: find someone that they both want to beat the crap out of, he’ll be the murder machine, and Mark can seal the deal. But who?

Edwarda Scissorins and Lucille Slips are creatively trying to scheme Edwarda’s estranged husband- Perry’s- demise. Hildegard invites them to the kitchen for sandwiches, while gesticulating wildly with a meat fork. Ooh! What a nice stabbing utensil! Lucille is so excited for Hildegard to use the meat fork to kill the twin of her choosing- Rusty or Perry! It would be fun if they both died, she says. Edwarda wants to turn the body into pastrami! But won’t she be lonely? asks Hildegard. No one else will want her! But Hildegard will do anything to make Edwarda happy, since no one else will. Edwarda thinks that “maybe she can make her own self happy”. They fall into maniacal cackling at their plan!

Back in the bunker, Lindsey, Donna, and Sarah are screaming about money! Sarah ends the fight by saying that Lindsey was in love with her. He states he was only in love with Sarah for nine years, but now he only has eyes for Donna. Donna leaves them for five minutes to figure it out. Once alone, Lindsey asks what Sarah’s deal is. Sarah says she knows that Lindsey has money, and she needs 10,000 dollars. Lindsey says he won’t give her the money, even though he is between 30-55% obsessed with her. They sing a rousing song about money- it’s always about money! It will set Sarah free- free from what? She sold some drugs! In Cuba!

Reverend Evermore Grace is leading a sermon. Everyone is there. He preaches the glory of his AMA Membership! 10% off at the Marriott Bonvoy! Free roadside assistance. But that’s not important- there are killers among us! Killers for the LORD! No one has baggage in Magnolia Crescent. We cut all bad ties! It feels so good to be all together. Reverend Grace sings the Hymn of the AMA.

Act II

An awkward family dinner at the Edwards’ house- Donna, Mark, Thomas, Lindsey, Sarah (but not Peter! He’s sure been squirrelly lately). Mark knows that Peter was supposed to be driving 20 miles north and under a bridge to meet one of Fritz’s friends. Or was it under a man? Or into a man? Siblings are a group of crazy characters. Should Donna and Lindsey run away from it all? Where no one can find them? Behind them, Mark and Thomas arm wrestle. Mark lets everyone know that Thomas did a MURDER AT CHURCH! They reenact a bit of the murder. “I have killed at least one person that we know of,” confesses Thomas. Lindsey stands up for Thomas, saying that if Thomas did a murder, it was probably for a good reason. Sarah reveals that she had been selling the drug Marzipan in Cuba to children, and needs 10,000 dollars. The Edwards brothers are INCENSED! So incensed that they have to leave. Mark has a lot of money! He is storing it at Mrs. Montgomery’s house. She calls and lets him know his balance: 10,200 dollars under her mattress. Mark says that he is going to write Sarah a blank cheque. She has learned her lesson: don’t sell drugs to children because they don’t have money.

Rusty is sitting in his living room when Hildegard pays him a visit. She looks at him, Rusty knows that look from when he lived in Detroit. He knows she is here to kill him. He knows there are many options. Rusty wonders who sent Hildegard. Lucille and Edwarda creep around the room. Hildegard confesses that she was sent to kill Rusty because he looks too much like his twin- it hurts Edwarda too much. Does Rusty love Edwarda more than Perry did? He must ask her! Communicate with her! His wife…partner…buddy? Is it over for them? Well, a little murder never kept anyone down. Rusty doesn’t want anything bad to happen to him or Perry, but Hildegard reminds him that something bad has already happened to both of them, and you know her name. Would Rusty like to borrow the meat fork?

Reverend Grace leads prayer club. Peter, Thomas, and Fritz are in attendance. He confirms attendance by addressing each member by name. It feels like the Lord has brought them all together to each share something, individually. Fritz asks about the things that give him pleasure- if it brings him to a level of transcendent ecstasy, how can it be against God? He’s seen the face of God while strapped to a particular swing apparatus- they start reenacting it.

Thomas Edwards is home alone. Lucille Slips and Edwarda Scissorins come by. They lay the murder talk on THICK. Thomas proposes one more murder, and then they’ll move on. Lucille encourages Thomas to murder “a few” so she won’t get bored. Thomas is gonna dig down deep into his “hate pile” to access his murdering abilities. Lucille reminds him that if “he doesn’t murder, he’s dead.”

Donna Edwards is home alone. Sarah Rose comes in waving around a cheque. Donna knows that her daughter is in a great deal of trouble, although she doesn’t know what. She asks Sarah what she plans to do with the money. They sing a soaring ballad about what she’ll do with money, and how Sarah left home at 10 years old. They’re both glad to be here.

Rusty is on the balcony, when he is paid a visit by Edwarda. Has he told her lately how consistent she is? It’s easy to fall in love with her, but then she drives them away. No one’s told her that before! She’s driving him away- but not in a new car. Rusty needs to talk with Perry to figure out why everything she touches turns to poison. And when they come back, she needs to think about whether or not she wants to be here. She always leaves a mess in her wake, and someone from Detroit is going to clean up her mess. But someone from Magnolia Crescent is going to meet them when they come, and it’s going to be Edwarda.

The Reverend is making tea for himself and Lucille. She’s got some stuff to get off her chest. The Reverend spills his tea just as she is confessing. Lucille confesses that she doesn’t want to be “in the action” of selling weapons anymore. She thinks she might be a bad person. The Reverend Daddy- I mean Reverend Father- speaks of the classic footprints in the sand story. The innuendo is THICK as Lucille and the Reverend discuss her weapons business. Selling weapons to children can’t be wrong, he says!

Lindsey Edwards is sitting in his recliner while Sarah Rose hastily packs. She seems nervous. She got her cheque- so why is she pacing and avoiding eye contact? Sarah has realized that she missed her siblings, but there was always unfinished business between Sarah and Lindsey. They always finished each others sentences. She starts sobbing gently, melodically. She wants to stay here forever! He knows that she can’t. This will blow up Lindsey’s life- and there’s no bomb shelter for the heart! Should they run away together? He leans in closer- he’s always had love in his heart, but even more HATE! He chokes her- she’s been killed by an EDWARDS BROTHER!!!

All Photos by: Janna Hove