Lard and Order

Episode 2 - April 15, 2024

Donna Edwards - the best wife, the best mother - Stephanie Wolfe
Lindsay Edwards - her executive husband - Peter Brown
Debbie Edwards - their misunderstood daughter - Ellie Heath
Peter Edwards - Bowling alley owner - Tom Edwards
Thomas Edwards - ice cream shop owner - Lindsey Walker
Perry Scissorins III - neighbourhood pharmacist -Randy Brososky
Edwarda Scissorins - his wife, local hairdresser - Caley Suliak
Rusty Scissorins - Perry’s evil twin brother - Randy Brososky
Fritz Überalles - German immigrant - Cody Porter
Hildegard Überalles - his wife-  Jason Hardwick
Mark Carleton - Donna’s brother, the milkman - Joel Taras
Chet Whetpous - the pool boy - Breck Wiltshire

Director: Jake Tkaczyk
Music: Graeme Pate
Technical Magic: Olivia Bogaard
Synopsis: Jim Cej
Producer: Nicole Thibault

Act I

Late at night in the Edwards household, Mrs Montgomery is on the phone, wanting revenge. The people of Magnolia Crescent are monsters! Hildegard wonders why she is so angry. Donna opens all the windows and everyone sings to her that Everything is Going to Be Okay. They wait to see if she’ll call back. She does. STOP SINGING. Lindsay thinks that he may not like her, and he likes everyone. They close the blinds glaringly. The phone rings again, but it’s a carpet salesman.

Fritz tells Debbie that music isn’t evil, it’s what you do with it. She can tell her mother that her principal says that it’s okay to listen to rock and roll music. Fritz teaches Debbie how to make lard and flour, because it takes the edge off of her mother. Thomas Edwards finds them dancing outside. He wonders what is going on with those hip shaking and toes tapping. When Debbie asks if her uncle if he’s ever moved his hips, he laughs and says no, he’s too old for that. They get Thomas to try it, starting small. It feels kind of natural. Kind of liberating! He feels like a bad boy. They put all the moves together. It feels alright to Move Your Hips.

Peter Edwards is doing his taxes at the bowling alley when Mark has a milk delivery for him. He tells Peter that he shouldn’t let the milk touch the skin or throat of a child. That’s actually something that applies to all milk. They look over Peter’s receipts. There’s a lot of red ink on them. Peter has to find a way to save money. Mark asks if there is something else that he’s like to do besides run a bowling alley. Peter is concentrating on the primary school rumble that happened in the alley.

Perry and Edwarda are in the pharmacy and are joined by Chet, who is looking for something for some pain. Perry and Chet share an interest in chemistry. Perry is distracted by the unnatural movements Chet is making with his legs. Edwarda thinks that her husband needs to loosen up. He has medicine for pain, but what about the pain in her heart. And you wonder how I’ve carriers a torch for his brother all these years. These years? I mean THOSE years. Perry has some thinking to do.

Debbie comes home from dancing with Fritz and Thomas. Her parents are irate that she is late for her 9:00pm curfew. She says that was doing normal adult stuff with her principal. Debbie offers to make some lard and flour for her mother before she has to tell her something. Lindsay asks her to make her some too. They all enjoy some lardballs and ask her what serious thing that she wanted to talk to them about. Debbie wants to start a rock band. Can a girl do that? Rock and Roll is Bad for the Soul. Lindsay is more sympathetic than her mother. He thinks it can be fun. He tells Debbie that she should enjoy it in private, but he’s not going to tell her how to live her life. He gives his approval and will be her stage dad, but she can’t tell her mother.

Hildegard and Fritz enjoy some time in their home. Hildegard vacuums everything. She asks about his day. Fritz thinks that he has found a new way to connect with the community. He taught Debbie how to make lard and flour, but he’s not sure of all the processes. Donna comes over distraught, but they are all interrupted by Chet, who says that they are having a pH emergency. Chet gets overheated, so Fritz offers to let him use their pool. Donna leaves and will call Hildegard later. There is a phone call. It’s the hospital calling to tell him that Thomas Edwards has sprained his hip! She tells Fritz that he knows that Americans can’t handle there gyrations.

Late night in the bowling alley, Peter and Lindsay broadcast their rock and roll show. Lindsay tells his brother that Debbie wants to start a rock and roll band. Maybe they can make a record and send it out into the world. Peter doesn’t feel right placing all their hopes and dreams on a little girl’s back. Isn’t that why we have kids? They can be a Rock and Roll Family.

Edwarda talks with Mark. She tells him that Perry has an obsession with Chet, the pool boy. Mark thinks that they’ll have to have a sexy-off. They can overhear Perry and Fritz having a conversation outside of his front door. Mark hides. But it’s Rusty that enters. He saw Mark inside through the window and calls him out, but tells him to relax. Edwarda needed something else besides Perry. But he’s sure that she’s not the only one hooking up with Mark though, is she? Sure, he’s spread some cream around the neighbourhood. Perry has some ideas, and he’s going to need some help. He’s going to need to put Perry away in a shelter somewhere. Lure him to the bomb shelter. Donna comes in, and she can tell that there’s something fishy going on with her brother and Perry.

Act II

In the garden, Thomas Edwards is a wheelchair from his hip sprain. Peter and Lindsay sample two of his new flavours os ice cream - tuna and chicken. Maybe tuna will one the next big thing! Thomas explains how he wound up in the wheelchair. He could hear some people and approached them. They were dancing and having a good time. He had to try it. It was rock and hip roll. It got him. It got him good. Thomas vows to make rock and roll pay! He’s been the nice guy, the ice cream guy. Peter and Lindsay tell their brother that he shouldn’t try to be a Mrs Montgomery, be a Tom Edwards. Everybody wants to be a Tom Edwards. You have to ask yourself, What Would Tom Edwards Do? There is a blackness in his soul because he hates rock and roll.

Chet listens to the radio while cleaning a pool, and Debbie hears the music. She watches him work and sneaks up closer. He is scared when when he finally notices her right beside him. She’s so happy to find someone young-ish! He has a secret. He got run out of his last town for being too sexy. It’s a curse to sound so hot all the time! Chet doesn’t want to be hot. Debbie asks why he doesn’t turn over a new leaf?  What, be less hot? Maybe he can get another job or something. Hey! She works in an ice cream shop. It’s the opposite of hot! He can b her ice cream shop buddy! He’s in!

At the Scissorins, Mark, Debbie, Edwarda and Rusty are still causing a ruckus.  Debbie goes to go home to make some lard and flour. Rusty needs Mark’s help cleaning things up. They need to get Perry locked up. Edwarda says they have to get everyone on their side and get everyone to hate Parry. Rusty is impressed with her idea and is turned on.

Donna races to Hildegard’s place, where the phone is ringing. Would you like a new vacuum? What kind? A Dyson. It sounds fake, no thank you. Donna tells her that she thinks she hit her limit. Debbie wants to start a rock and roll band. Donna wants to run away, maybe she can run away to Europe, where Hildegard came from. Hildegard can contact her sister and she can give her a place to stay and help her. Fritz comes home and is surprised to see Donna there. He was supposed to meet Perry to bowl, but he didn’t show up. Donna seems unbalanced and leaves, but Hildegard thinks Donna looks fine now. Fritz and Hilde find themselves alone. Now they have tonight, just the two of them.

Thomas is wheeling around the neighbourhood and comes across Perry, mulling over this argument with Edwarda that morning. Chet wanders by and apologises for turning on Perry and his wife so much. Perry is upset that anyone can take his wife away from him at the moment. Thomas feels uncomfortable listening to then and leaves. Chet tells Perry that he doesn’t want to be sexy. Mark overhears his burden and understands. It’s beyond their control. Mark was worried that Chet was going to be competition, but together they can rise above their sexiness. They tell Perry that he is like a sexy dad. Edwarda finds 3 of her favourite men together. Mark and Chet have had enough. They start to take off their sexy shirts. They leave, and Edwarda says nice job, Rusty! Perry is confused.

Fritz, Peter, and Thomas are bowling. Peter’s not very good. He says that he’s too busy running the alley to play. Thomas proves to be an exceptional wheelchair bowler. Fritz is so grateful that they are playing with him after Perry stood him up. He apologises for Thomas hurting his hips. Thomas drops a suspicious looking cigarette.

Lindsay takes his daughter down to their bomb shelter to work on her rock and rolls dreams. She has an idea for a name. Little Debbie and the Wet Pusses. Lindsay needs to have to have 2 conversations with her, but first, let’s talk about that band name. What does it mean to her? It’s the name of her new friend, Chet Whetpous. Donna goes into the bomb shelter to get some supplies for the kitchen. Lindsay has a confession to make. Wouldn’t it be great to support their daughter in her dreams? Kind of like a family of partridges? Donna has different dreams for her daughter. Lindsay asked if there was something else that Donna wanted to do besides being a wife and mother? He’s overheard her singing her own songs that she made up. Donna worries what people will think of her? She’ll lose her position in town if they know that their daughter is into rock and roll. Let Her Sing! Debbie thinks she just got her period and runs upstairs. The bomb shelter door slams shut behind her. Lindsay and Donna are trapped down there for at least two weeks, when the automatic lock opens. Lindsay promises that these will be the best 2 weeks of Donna’s life

All Photos by: Janna Hove