Mouth to Mouth
(Episode 8)
River City Staff
Jaqueline Walsh, PHD (Head Administrator): Stephanie Wolfe
Philadelphia Jones (Chief Resident):
Rebecca Bissonnette
Phyllis Jones (Pharmacist):
Delia Barnett
Doug (The Custodian):
Kristi Hansen
Katie Cross (Hospital Parishioner):
Rebecca Merkley
Dr. Damian Mallet (General Surgeon):
Tom Edwards
Susan Wilson (Malpractice Lawyer):
Kirsten Throndson
Dr. Anita Brah (Surgeon):
Kalyn Miles
Nurse Lillian Hope (Nurse):
Jason Hardwick
Dr. Patrick Chathams (Pediatrician):
Vincent Forcier
Dr. Justin Justice (cardiologist):
Mike Cox
Dr. Seattle Frasier (Definitely a Psychiatrist):
Gordie Lucius
Dr. Jason Quesnell (Totally a Doctor):
Jesse Gervais
Sam St. James (Slick Political Consultant):
Christine DeWitt
Nurse Meredith Grace (Nurse):
Nikki Hulowski
Dr. Denny Tures (Dentist):
Kelly Turner
Rachel Rosenbaum (Pregnant Mother)
Ashley Botting
Joel Rosenbaum (Pregnant Father):
Ron Pederson
Expertly Crafted Synopsis Writer:
Jim Cej
Die-Nasty Photographer :
Janna Hove
Extra Special Guest Director:
Matt Schuurman
Act 1
Nurse Lillian is doing physiotherapy with Jacqueline and Susan. Jacqueline’s voice is improving, and Susan is remembering more about before she was hit by a mop. Jacqueline needs Lillian’s help. She needs to change things, she needs… and loses consciousness.
In the small, small chapel, Susan holds simultaneous confession With Drs Damian and Philadelphia. Damian has been thinking about the staff, naked. Both women and some men. Philadelphia’s darkest secret is that she’s been thinking about killing the other 2 women in Damian’s life. Susan is one of the people that Damian has been thinking about naked. Philadelphia says who is the first person that she wants to kill. The confessional keeps shrinking. Katie says that it’s necessary to bring in the other person Philadelphia wants to murder.
Drs Seattle and Jason are both googling Wed MD. Jason tells Seattle to look up cancer. Stage 4. Jason has Cancer! And FOMO! The universe is saying “No” to him. Seattle tells him that it’s time to confess to everyone that he’s a fraud. Stop running. You’re running out of time. They were both apex predators. Seattle says that Jason needs to operate on himself to prove to himself that he IS a doctor.
On an undivided highway, 2 buses approach each other. One is filled with NDP supporters driven by Doug. The other UPC supporters driven by Sam St James. They collide. The carnage is unbelievable.
Dr Justin and Nurses Lillian and Meredith are on duty in a very quiet emergency room. Together, they perform an emergency prostate examination. Meredith hasn’t done a prostate examination since Pond Town. They reminisce about Pond Town and when they were all born together. They were coming out like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. The emergency room slowly fills with victims of the bus collision. They continue to discuss family issues as they examine the patients. They never want the three of them to be separated again. They haven’t seen this much of carnage and family love in years!
Dr Denny is in the private doctor’s cafeteria sampling the consistency of various foods. Two doctors pass by, saying that he’s not a real doctor. Dr Denny wants to know where the buffet is. Nurse Nurse takes her food order, but she doesn’t have any fluoride unfortunately. She recommends the recycled patient’s jello slurry. It’s the first time that someone hasn’t found Dr Denny creepy! He dances. They lock eyes, and the dance continues. Would you like to join me in my slurry?
In purgatory, Jacqueline walks down a hallway of light, the voice of Danielle Smith on one side, and the voice of Rachel Notley on the other. Jacqueline doesn’t want to be connected with a loser like Danielle anymore. Rachel is like real people. She has a dog. Danielle treats people like dogs! Danielle is so far right that she’s compromised even Jacqueline’s scruples. Take a hike, Danielle!
Act 2
In the operating room, Dr Jason Quesnell leads his own surgery with Drs Damian and Jason and Nurse Nurse assisting. He’ll use A5-35 and Tiger Balm as a local anesthetic. Clamp? He asks which side the heart is on. Justin say left. Correct! 10 points for Gryffindor. He cuts open his chest and cuts loose his heart. They play Hot Potato with his it. After someone catches it, they sew it back in. They use the paddles on him. Oww! I bit my tongue. I did this all by myself!
As part of the final exam for her residents, Philadelphia narrates the operation. She explains why they don’t have gloves. Well, since they’ve been going private they’ve been running short of supplies. They question why the doctors has a finger in the aorta. And why the Hot Potato? The reason the dog was helping perform surgery was they’ve franchised out to a veterinary clinic. And what was the deal with the dog penis?
Doug and Sam lie side by side as they recovery from the accident. They saw something in each other’s eyes as they approached each other on the highway. Sam doesn’t care about blood or politics anymore. Doug asks what he does care about. You! In their clashes, they have grown closer. They sing about their new found feelings for each other. Dr Denny Tures arrives to perform dental reconstructive surgery. They continue to sing unintelligibly during the surgery. They thought they hated each other, but now there is only love.
Jacqueline has recovered and holds a hospital wide meeting in the ICU. She also sees UCP. She announces her new vision the hospital. A hospital for sick people! What’s going to happen to Holt Renfrew and Jugo Juice? A clearance sale! There are so many solutions. She tells everyone to reach deep down inside. We all need to treat sick people better. If you know anyone sick, tell them that they can trust this hospital. From now on, patients come first!
The business of the hospital continues. Many patients die. Nurse Lillian, Drs Justin and Denny and the newly promoted Dr Meredith inventory the dead in the morgue. Meredith apologizes for impersonating Lillian on the phone call to Dr Pat Chathams. Lillian forgives her. Meredith confesses that she is in love with Dr Jason, even though he is a fraud. Lillian tells her to follow her heart or she’ll be old and alone like her. Meredith says that Lillian’s not alone.
Dr Seattle councils Jacqueline after her near death experience. He tells her that the experience leaves her unfit to lead the hospital. Read the fine print on your contract. The next doctor in line will take over, and you can just back to Mississauga. She’s going to get her REDEMPTION tattooed on her knuckles and ride across the country on a motorcycle. She bids the hospital goodbye.
On the helipad on the hospital roof with no railings, in a brisk wind Doug and Sam watch the sunset in a romantic moment. They are drawn dangerously close to the ledge. Doug hold’s Sam’s hand as she goes over the edge. He’ll never forget him.
The election results influence the future of the hospital. Dr Seattle Crane holds another hospital wide meeting. Since he came back from the dead, Dr Jason thinks he should lead the hospital. Seattle says that they may all know that Dr Jason is one of the best doctors in the country, but there is something they don’t know about him. The staff says that they all know that someone has been a fake all along, and he must go. Lillian and her siblings agree and all stab Dr Seattle with tongue depressors. Dr Jason is the new head and signs his new contract. Katie Cross performs the archaic signing ritual. A proud Dr Jason rips his heart out and holds it in the air. And dies.